


Toads and Commanders

by polymorphic



Series: Command Between the Lines [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Drug Use, Crack, Drabble, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Intoxication, Occupational Hazards, Shepard is bi but it's not a big deal, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:21:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27956057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymorphic/pseuds/polymorphic
Summary: While on a mission, Shepard accidentally inhales the psychotropic toxins of an alien toad. Garrus and Joker are left to manage her erratic behavior until Doctor Chakwas arrives. Hilarity ensues, bonds of friendship are reinforced...or at least not destroyed, probably...Now if only she could forget blurting out her first gay crush.
Relationships: Female Shepard & Garrus Vakarian, Jeff "Joker" Moreau & Female Shepard
Series: Command Between the Lines [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2048823
Comments: 10
Kudos: 11





	Toads and Commanders

**Author's Note:**

> I'm getting excited for the Mass Effect remaster, and I wanted to test out my Shepard's voice. I don't know about the rest 🤣

_—_ “Easy. Just command between the lines.” 

Commander Isidora Shepard frowned into her shot glass. Medicine glass? Whatever it was, it seemed to have developed a shocking capacity for human speech—which, as far as she knew, was still unusual for that part of the galaxy. And everywhere else.

— “What do you mean, what do I mean? Between the lines means between the lines!” 

She frowned at it again. Definitely human speech because her translator had gotten fried in a firefight, and it was currently _not_ inside her head for repair. Plus, those words had been some of her father’s last. 

What the fuck?

“Take it easy, commander,” Joker soothed, laughter bubbling just under the surface like a...like a...something bubbly, just under the surface. Except under pressure, too, like a vein. Blood? 

“Don’t you bleed at _me_ , Joker, this was your fault!” The words sounded blurred, even to her. Blurred? Slurred? Flurred? Furred? “And no more shedding! That’s an order!”

Joker made a strange noise that sounded like a space hamster had gotten wedged in his larynx. _That_ she disregarded, because her crew’s private time was none of her business, and quite frankly? All of that weird shit was why. 

“You…” He paused, succumbed to the squeaky choking, then continued painfully. “You’re just a little high, Commander. Don’t move ok? Doc is on her way back. They had to—Commander?”

— “Command between the lines, ‘Dora. That’s all there is to it.” 

This! Fucking! Thing! Is! TALKING AGAIN! She hurled the glass at the wall, then peered intently while shattered pieces pinwheeled across the floor, fitfully refracting the shuttle’s multicolored lights. 

Insufferable gasbag.

“There!” She screamed triumphantly, making them jump. She pointed at the last jagged piece as it slowed, wobbled, then settled weakly into place. “That’s how a glass _should_ speak! Use your own words, damnit!”

“ _Yikes._ ” Vakarian's sarcastic drawl preceded him into the cabin, billowing across the floor like a heavy fog. How the fuck did she get down _there_ _?_ “C’mon Shepard. Up you go.” 

“Thanks, V—Va—Vakar—”

“Alright, enough talking.” His tone was kindly, but something playful lurked behind the words, like a mischievous cat...or maybe a crow. “Haven’t you hurt yourself enough for one day?”

“Bastard,” she laughed. 

He grinned...or she thought he did, from the way the little up-and-backwards movement of his shoulder combined with the slight tilt of his head, and that particular flex of his mandible, right there...Ok, so Turians couldn’t really smile, but for him, that was a smile. 

Probably. 

A bird smile. 

Caw.

“Did she just _caw_ at me?” The words seemed to be directed at Joker, so she let them float around the cabin without giving chase. 

“Seems like it.” Joker’s tone sounded more worried than amused all of a sudden, and Shepard wondered just how bad she really was. “I’m gonna try to get Doc on the line. Don’t let her space us while my back is turned.”

“Space. The final frontier.” 

Garrus patted her head as the Earth classic words spilled from her mouth. She loved that franchise. She could easily quote from at least three different series, and that's quite a bit when you’re a hot runner in the military, because fuck if she ever had the time for more. Wasn’t a problem, though. She could watch Deep Space Nein over and over without getting bored. “It’s because at first I thought I wanted to be Nerise, but when I was older, I realized no, I just wanted to fuck her.”

“Cool story, Commander. Mind if I tell your friends?”   
  
Joker's uncharacteristically tepid remark was far too easily batted aside. His back was turned, so she looked up at Garrus with a smile. “I just did!”

The tri-fingered...paw? Palm? Claw? Whatever they’re called, the Turian’s phalanges enveloped her head as easily as a child-sized ball. “Humans are so cute,” he crooned, patting her. “Ugly, but cute.” 

“Yeah we are,” Joker agreed fondly. “Except for when we accidentally step on the poisonous toads despite the -very careful- briefings our pilots prepared even when it wasn’t at all their JOB.”

Shepard spluttered indignantly, or tried, so she just spluttered. Like all over, some landed on the console. She wiped it off before trying again. “Joker? The toads _fart_ the toxins. LITERALLY, THEY FART THEM! My fucking helmet was off, for fucks sake! _Fuck!_ ” 

“Briefing, Commander.”

“Their range is TWO METERS!”

“ _Briefing._ ”

Shepard threw her hands in the air. “It’s not there, Moreau!”

“Oh hm yeah ok. Whatever you say, Commander." 

“You are so fired when I can read again.”

“Psh, you need me.”

The Turian’s eyes followed their verbal volley like a parrot’s following an especially erratic fly. That fly finally landed on Isidora. 

“Shepard,” he drawled laconically.

“What now, Garrus?”

“You’re on the floor again.”

“Well, fuck.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this story, feel free to subscribe to the [ Command Between the Lines ](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2048823) series and get updates when another one is posted.
> 
> Command Between the Lines is a series of short stories featuring the adventures of Isidora Shepard and crew, with a special focus on side quests, worldbuilding, and the day-to-day interactions which occur outside of the trilogy's main quest line.


End file.
